Friday, October 31, 2014

Thoughts I Have During a Masă

First off, I'll tell you what a masă is, in case you are unaware/forgot/never knew.. The word technically means "table" but when we say we went to a masă, we didn't go to a table - or we did, but there was a crap ton of food on the table. So it's what we say for birthday celebrations, holiday celebrations, Tuesday nights.. Basically whenever there is more food and drink than there should be for the amount of people attending the meal, it's a masă. 

Yesterday was someone's birthday (actually I don't think it was, but I think we were celebrating her birthday from a few days prior) and I went to the longest masă I'd ever been to. I thought I would never get to leave. Let me just bring you into my head for this experience. 

For example...

"Catea, come to my office at noon for a masă, it was my birthday." 

Yeah, okay, sure. 

Okay, it's past noon and I'm alone in my office.. Should I get up and find that woman? Maybe they forgot I'm here? They're probably just on Moldova time. 

"Catea, it's Pasha's birthday. Let's go!"

Yep, Moldova time. 

Huh, that's weird. A traveling salesman. Is this a coincidence or are we having like a Tupperware party masă, but with appliances? 

Okay, coincidence. But he's gonna join the masă, because, why not? 

Wow, she's really making sure all those shots of cognac are equal. I hope she runs out of it so we don't have to have more than one. 

Now, how can I avoid everything with mayonnaise? Wait, does everything have mayonnaise? 

Aha, some cucumber-cheese-bread slices. No mayo. Gotta sit near those. 

Is that Spongebob Squarepants on that candy wrapper? Yes it is. I'll have to try that later. 

Oh, man. What are those. Hot dogs? In buns? With... Oh, with mayo. Among other toppings. I'll avoid that. 

"Cat, here, have a hot dog." 


So how can I scrape off the top without anyone noticing me.. 

Nailed it. So stealth. 

Okay, let's do this. One shot of cognac and I will not have any more. 

They're really gonna toast forever. Maybe I won't even have to drink it. 


No, don't bring me any more of that. 

Fine, but it better be the tiniest amount. 

Do I want wine? Uh, duh. Especially if it means I don't have to have more cognac. 

Oh my gosh, these Spongebob things are so delicious. 

Sure, let's talk about my finding a nice Căplani boy. Or we could just not. 

Another glass of wine to toast to my finding a man.. If they toast it enough, do they think it will really happen? 

"Do you like Moldovan wine? It's the best, right?!"

"I like wine from every country."

"Ahhhh, excellent! Have some more!"


Getting kind of tired, wonder if I can leave anytime soon. 

That's a hard no, birthday girl is bringing out more bottles of wine. Is that bottle 2 liters or 3? It's gotta be 2, these women can't have had almost 3 liters. 

No thanks, I'm done. No more wine for me. 

Oh. Okay. Well since it's 2014 and not 2013, that must mean I have to try it; you're so right. 

"Caterina! How do you like Moldova?"

So that's three names for the day. 

"Katușa! Do you have a boyfriend?"

Four, and no. 

"What about one in America?"

Still no. 

"Cheers to Catea finding a nice man!"

Fine, cheers to that. If you're so concerned, just matchmake me already. 

No, wait, don't do that. 

I have to go to the bathroom. And then can I leave? 

Oh, I apparently need accompaniment. Birthday girl is going to come. Yay for communal outhouses. The new frontier.

Please do speak Russian to me, because I'm not lost enough of the time. 

Wait I know that word! Thanks, Chad.

No seriously, I know that word. You don't have to teach it to me again.

Okay, it's cold, let's get a move on.

Who filled up my glass while I was gone, I swear.

Whatever, I'm taking a nap after this anyway.

Sure, let's sing. Wow, that is a terrible song. 

"You don't understand when we talk fast, do you?"

Step back - we have a winner!

"Well yeah, and we're speaking Russian."


Oh, it WAS 3 liters.

No, I promise I can eat more Spongebobs with the wine - it's okay. I know the Spongebob thing is sweet. Don't worry about it. 

More singing. 

WHAT, it's past 3:00?? So, I can go, right?

Except I can't get a word in because of all the singing. How much have they HAD? 

Okay, let's make moves. 

No, I don't want anymore wine. 

Someone is here to see me? Oh good, I'll go talk to her! 

Oh, and then we'll both return to the masă, great. 

We'll leave together? Okay, sweet, finish your drink. 

No, I don't want anymore wine.

"Where is your glass?!"

"I don't have one! Too bad!" 

So since I'm not drinking anymore, I can leave, right? Oh. More singing. 

"Where is your glass?!"


Yes, they're letting me go get my stuff! 


It was past 4:00 by the time I got to leave, and I did not actually get that nap. But I went to bed very early! (After having MORE wine, because you can't have plăcintă without wine, for some reason..) These thoughts are quite condensed, as I was there for literally 4 hours, but this is basically the gist. The women of Moldova want me to eat more, drink more, and find a man.. And it turns out when they're doing 2/3 of those things, they're really all about the third. 

Now do you want to join me for a masă already or what?

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