Something of Impact

At our Close of Service Conference, we were supposed to prepare something for the "Something of Impact" session, where we all talked about how awesome Peace Corps was something impactful from our service. It could be anything. It WAS anything. 

I did not share. 

I had this prepared forever in advance, had written notes in my journal (which I carried to each session) so I wouldn't forget anything, and we had already placed bets on how many times I'd cry. But everyone said such great things - I laughed, I cried, I was inspired. So I thought, yeah, I can't do this. My natural "emotional basketcase" state plus a mountain of insecurity at the time just led to my sitting there listening to everyone else talk. Luckily I have a bunch of amazing supporters on my team, who said they still want to hear what I had to say. So here it is. 

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I can, with relative confidence, walk the mile or so from the bus stop to my house on a moonless night.

You're probably thinking, okay... great job, Cat. How is that Something of Impact? 

My site is a small village that's three hours from Chisinau on a good day. We don't really have paved roads, and we have about 4 streetlights (and 3 of them are right next to each other). When I first arrived, my host mom made a big deal about the fact that there was a streetlight outside our house. I eventually realized that it was literally on just for me. Someone was paying to have that streetlight on because the volunteer, the American, lived there. 

So when I first got to the village, if I returned to site at night (which I tended to do, due to bus schedules), I would have a few streetlights, hopefully a moon to light the way, and my flashlight (or, more accurately, the light on my phone). And I knew I was getting close because I had the streetlight in front of my house to guide me. In other words, I had a lot of help making my way through the village. 

The road isn't terrible, but if you don't know it, it can be a little treacherous. There are holes to avoid. It's uneven. If it's rained, there are perfect places to step so you don't get as muddy. (The American is not good at finding these perfect places.) You never want to step directly where the cows have traveled on their way home.. 

Maybe you see where I'm going with this. In the beginning of my Peace Corps service, I needed a lot of help. I had my village looking out for me (with the streetlight at my house), I had my program staff, cohort, and people back home helping me out (maybe they're the rest of the streetlights), and I was trying to make it on my own (with my phone to light the way). It was really hard at first. I might trip, or make mistakes. Dogs would come out and scare me, or I would get homesick. Even if I tried to do everything right and not step where I shouldn't, some unforeseen obstacle would come out of nowhere and upset me or make me fall. It was really frustrating at times, especially when I would leave for a weekend and come back to new holes in the ground to avoid. 

But it got easier. The road got renovated a little, and I started to get used to the life I was living in my village and in Peace Corps. I felt a little more sure of myself. I cried less. I had successful projects, and English classes, and trainings, and I was helping other PCVs. I became more comfortable in the work I was doing and the way I felt about it. I could speak Romanian. I felt relatively accomplished (most days). I knew which dogs had a bark worse than their bite and which ones were just curious about the American walking by. They turned off the streetlight, and I was okay. 

Now I can walk from the bus stop to my house on a moonless night. That maybe doesn't sound so impressive to you. But without streetlights or natural light to show the way, most of the walk is completely dark. I'm doing this on my own, and I think I'm good at it. People don't keep lights on in their houses; cars don't drive by to shine headlights for a little while. But I'm used to it. I know where to step, I know what to do. 

I don't need to make such an effort to keep myself from falling.

Sure, there is still opportunity for me to slip up. A flash of something in the road that isn't normally there; being told I have to run important meetings using a bunch of vocabulary I'm unsure of. An animal might appear suddenly; I might have an unforeseen complication with a grant. But there are still a few streetlights and at least I know where I'm going.

And on those nights when it's completely dark and I'm making my way slowly through the journey, I've got you guys. I've got all these beautiful stars, these constellations, some of which I know like the back of my hand and that I know I'll be seeing for all of my life, that make the whole trip worth it.

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Love to you, M29, my moon and my stars. You turn the darkest night into a breathtaking masterpiece. We've come so far, and I'm forever grateful that you've been there for me this whole time (whether you're still here or whether you've already gone). We did it! Vă iubesc, și mi-e dor de voi deja. 

Unpredictable PCV Cycle

One of the (I'm struggling with a truly appropriate adjective here) interesting terrifying complicated things about the life of a Peace Corps Volunteer is that it's unpredictable. I don't just mean that we don't know when we're going to walk into a surprise masa, what personal questions a stranger will ask us, what we'll be sitting next to on a rutiera (or if your rutiera will get pulled over by the police, which is what's currently happening as I write this), or when our stroll through the fields will have to be rerouted because suddenly, oh hi, there are all the village cows! (No, seriously. All of them.) Though it's definitely impossible to predict those things (except that we can pretty much guarantee the stranger's personal questions will be about our love lives), it's even more surprising to not know what is going to be happening in your head and your heart on a daily basis. 

It makes sense to go through periods of different emotional states, and it makes sense when they sort of go together. For instance, it's logical to me that when the sun is coming out and sticking around for days, I'm more likely to be in a good mood. When I haven't left site in more than a month, it's safe to assume that I'll be a bit lonely. When I'm around many PCVs for an extended period of time, like at a training or something, I can guess that I'll have some time where I'm overwhelmed at all the social interaction. 

We've got this Cycle of Vulnerability and Adjustment that has predictors like this for your whole service. For example, during the first 2 months, you'll likely be fatigued, overwhelmed, feeling helpless. During months 11-14, you'll be establishing a routine, feeling more competent, etc. That's great and all, but what about when you go through the whole cycle in 27 minutes instead of 27 months? Sure, that's a slight exaggeration (I'm nothing if not hyperbolic, right?), but it's almost absurd how close our good days and bad days can be. 

I'm even aware that I'm not alone in this, because I know that multiple volunteers have talked about having one of their best days and then suddenly one of their worst. 

A few weeks ago, I had a week that started off so strong. I considered that Monday one of the best days of my service at that point, and I was feeling really proud of myself and confident in my abilities for all sorts of things. And then that Friday evening and Saturday were some of my worst moments of service so far. How can things change so quickly and without warning? I know, things can change that quickly anywhere, but it feels like such a ridiculous range here sometimes. 

Two days ago I couldn't get out of bed—I couldn't even think straight, I felt so terrible. That was physical rather than emotional, and I'm fine now, but it was such a bad day. Then the next day was fantastic. I spent hours in a coffee shop with two of my favorite people, collaborating on grant applications and drinking coffee and planning our vacation. (All of which are exciting things, although, Moldova could get on its coffee game a little more if they would sell iced drinks year round.. I'm just saying. I can't be the only one who would love an iced coffee in February.) So I thought, cool, things are great. Had a nice dinner and evening with games, a movie, and even a surprise FaceTime from my grandma, aunt and uncle. Logically, that good place will continue, right? Do you even remember what I've said already? Haven't you been paying attention? No, of course it won't continue. Because you'll have a good day and then that night you won't be able to sleep, and you'll wake up and not want to talk to anyone, and you'll spend the day trying to be sociable and pleasant but you'll get exhausted and just cry in the dark on the rutiera for half your ride home that night (which is a feat in itself when you're traveling two and a half hours back to site). And obviously you don't know why you feel like this, and it's likely nobody's fault, which also sucks, because wouldn't it be nice to have someone to blame? 

Which days are going to be the ones where your biggest accomplishment is boiling water? What about the ones where just saying good morning to someone seems like the hardest thing? Or the ones where you want to pretend you're not hungry so you don't have to sit at the dinner table and talk to your host mom? And then which are the days when all it takes is sunlight to put you in the best mood? What about the days when a village kid will walk you home and smile up at you the whole time, thinking you're the greatest thing? Or the ones when you think, oh yeah, I can save the world today! 

I don't know which is which and I just don't understand why today it's one over the other, and I don't think I'm very good at some of those days. Just have to hope that if I'm on a really bad one, a great one is soon to follow. That's how it works, right? This emotional rollercoaster toughest job I'll ever love? 

I wrote this post while I was on the rutiera back to site, and my last paragraph was not this one that you're reading. It was about how I wanted to end on a positive note, but I couldn't quite do that. Four hours ago when I wrote this, I was trying, but all I could come up with was that I hope that there's a positive note coming for me. And you're not reading that paragraph because there was. I got back to my room and had 6 texts from my best friend, who wanted to Skype with me (which we hadn't done in about.. forever). Talking to her for almost two hours—there's my positive note. We didn't even talk about all of this and I feel better. So even when you have your bad days, just wait. The day might not be quite over yet and something else can always happen. I'm struggling through some bad days, but there's often at least something to redeem them. Such is the life of a Peace Corps Volunteer. 

How I Got To Prague

This post is subtitled: Why I Love My Peace Corps Family

How many things can go wrong with one trip before it even starts? Let me count them out for you, because so many. 

Admittedly, the first snag on the trip was absolutely, 100% my fault. And it's so stupid that no one here is ever going to let me forget it (especially not my host mom, who's already brought it up multiple times since I've been back). I packed for Prague and Kelsey's house at the same time, as I was staying with her before heading to Chisinau to leave for Prague. I wasn't planning on going back to my village before this, so I had to be ready for the next 2 weeks, essentially. I thought I was, but as I'm standing on the bus Sunday morning going towards Chisinau, it hits me that I undoubtedly do not have my passport. I don't even have to check, because I know I haven't packed it. I texted Stephanie, because she's my Prague travel buddy, and Kelsey, because she always knows what to do, and then I called my host mom. She found my passport for me and after some well-deserved scolding, agreed to get it to me that evening. 

Now that the passport hurdle had been crossed, Steph and I were ready for our trip to start going super smoothly. Our overnight bus to Bucuresti left at 9:30pm, so we had dinner, got our stuff together, and headed to the bus station. It was just starting to snow and we thought, oh, how lovely, our winter vacation is starting off great with a pretty snowfall! Later I think we both regretted voicing those thoughts, but at the time, we were fans of the snow. 

We put our suitcases underneath the bus and get on, too excited. We drive through Moldova and enter Romania (where our passports are checked and stamped, obviously, so thankfully we both had ours then!), and it hasn't stopped snowing. It's the middle of the night and the drive is taking longer than it should, but I am absolutely fine with that if it means the driver is making sure to be safe on the roads. We take turns sitting on the window side, because it's stupid hot on that side with the heater right next to us. We try to get a little bit of sleep but I don't think either of us were very successful. 

At about 5am, I'm sitting in the aisle seat and I can't sleep. I lean out into the aisle to look out the front window, and I am baffled at how the driver is managing. It is really snowy and dark and I remember thinking, I can't even see the road, how can he?! I just figure he knows what he's doing, so I lean back into my seat. 

Moments later, we crash.

I'm sure I don't have an accurate recollection of this, based on pictures in the news and the fact that I can use my logical brain after the fact, but it feels like we flip over. The bus skidded and flipped on its right side (it was absolutely not flipped over) to land in the ditch. I held on to my seat and it was over as quickly as it had started. I think my thoughts, in some order, were: Okay, I'm safe; is Stephanie okay?; what do we do?; and I need to call Sasha. (Sasha is our Safety and Security Manager.)

Everyone was talking in Romanian and it seemed like people's phones weren't working. It was hard to not fully understand what was going on, but I could gather that everyone was okay, the driver was safe, and that we would just have to wait there. One woman was very vocal and called police, ambulances, the 12am bus to Bucuresti to see if they had seats, etc. Another woman near us realized eventually that we spoke English and she tried to translate things for us. 

We hung out there on the side of the road for about an hour and a half - with Stephanie literally hanging, as the bus was sideways and we had been sitting on the left side. I was able to sort of sit on the side of one of the seats on the right, and we were able to find our belongings when the time came to get them all (with the help of fellow passengers). 

After that hour and a half, we saw flashing lights. We figured out that they were going to get us out of the bus, so we put on coats (oh, and we had just stopped at duty free, so someone's wine decorated mine a little bit) and got our stuff. We were very close to the emergency hatch on the top of the bus so someone threw that outside and people directed us to the opening. I couldn't actually climb out on my own so someone lifted me out and then ambulance workers took over and set me down on the ground. They guided me to an ambulance where we packed in with half or a third of the passengers. 

Thankfully right before we left, another PCV had taught us how to put our phones on roaming. If we hadn't done that, we wouldn't have been able to get in contact with anyone. We couldn't figure out how to make calls at first, but we were able to send texts. I texted Kelsey to see if she could get PC to call us, but we eventually did figure out how to call and in the ambulance we were able to speak with both medical and the on-duty Safety and Security person. 

The ambulance took us to a cafe/hotel bar of some sort. Peace Corps kept in contact with us all day, even though we rarely had anything new to tell them. Eventually the 12am bus to Bucuresti arrived, and some people got on it. Stephanie wanted to but I was confused and possibly slightly panicked about not knowing where we were going or where our luggage was, so at the last minute we got off that bus. I hadn't noticed the other PCVs on it at the time. 

Home-base for the day.

It turned out that it didn't matter that we hadn't gotten on that bus because it didn't get very far. The roads were closed so it came right back to where we were, and we were able to get on it to see our friends. Just being with them helped our stress levels a little, and their bus was closer to a gas station/cafe that had Internet so we were able to contact people with that. We hung out with them for the day while waiting for the roads to open, but during that time we missed our flight. 

When the roads finally opened around 2 or 3pm, everyone from both buses got onto the second one and we headed towards Bucuresti (without our luggage, as they wouldn't take it off our bus until the crash had been investigated.. or something). We were about 70km away the whole day. It was slightly scary to be on what felt like the exact bus we'd just been on, driving through snow again, but I managed to fall asleep for a bit. 

I woke up to a man nudging me to wake me up and ask if we wanted to share a cab with him to the airport. We had spoken to him earlier in the day so he knew we were trying to get to the airport, as was he. He had learned that the bus would normally stop at the airport, but with all the delays it wasn't going to this time, so the driver had agreed to let him off somewhere close where he could find a cab. We agreed to get off with him. He was a nice guy from Moldova with perfect English. 

We got to the airport and saw two more PCVs who had taken the train there instead (which will always be our winter travel option from now on), and it was as if they were sent from heaven. They went to the Czech Airlines counter with us, where the lady told us that since we had been late, our whole roundtrip was cancelled. We didn't really know what to do, so Amanda called Czech Airlines for us - thankfully, because they were terrible to her and I know I couldn't have lasted that long on the phone with them (I was crying just listening to her side of the call!). While Amanda was being so great on the phone, Elizabeth was cheering us up by being her usual sunny self. After getting no help from the airlines, the four of us went to get a drink before the two of them left to board their plane. Thank goodness those two were there; they were like lifesavers just with their very presence. 

They left and Stephanie said we had to eat something, so we had pasta in an airport restaurant while we tried to decide what to do. There's an RPCV in Bucuresti so we thought we could maybe stay with her, get our luggage back, and then head back to Moldova. Neither of us could afford another plane ticket. Stephanie had been talking to her mom at the time and while we were eating, her mom called back and said that she had talked with Stephanie's dad and they had decided that they would each buy one of us a new ticket to Prague. There was more crying, this time from both of us, because we didn't even think we were going to get to go on our trip and they so graciously made it happen. They even made the return ticket straight to Chisinau so we don't have to go back to Bucuresti anytime soon. We couldn't even believe it. 

So we spent the night on the very luxurious floor of the airport and kept in contact with PC, a fellow bus traveller, and our RPCV friend about the luggage situation.. But eventually we realized that we'd be going to Prague with only the things we had in our carry-ons. 

The next day, while still waiting on the floor, we met a Romanian family of four with precious little boys and talked with them. We told them of our "adventures" and they wouldn't take no for an answer when they left and left us with a bunch of food. They were so sweet! One of the little boys asked if I was married and I said no and asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said, yes, of course, but we only kiss on the cheek, not on the mouth. The dad had clearly given us some of the boys' Christmas candy, and they were young but didn't mind one bit. The whole family was adorable, and I could talk to them in Romanian, so that was a confidence booster I needed to keep making it through this travel. 

We finally left and made it to Prague just a day late. The whole trip took 48 hours and we went through 4 countries by the time we got there.. We were exhausted, but had great directions to our apartment, where tea (and a bed that was not a floor or bus seat) waited for us. 

We had so much support, both in person and through messages, from PCVs, RPCVs, PC staff, family, and also a ton of strangers (people translating for us, people just being kind to us, another passenger from the bus who gave us her number and texted us with information about where the luggage would be, etc). I can't really speak for both of us, but I feel safe in saying that we are so grateful for everyone who helped us along the way. Couldn't have done it without you. 

More to come on the actual vacation part of the trip! 

Spoiler alert: We didn't have our luggage for any of the trip, BUT Peace Corps got it back for us and it was waiting in Chisinau when we returned!

Site Visit

This last week, a few of us had our site visits, which means our Program Manager, Violeta, made a trip down to our sites to talk with us and our partners. 

Violeta had a time and date in mind so I asked my partner about it and she said that would work. At the weekly meeting on Monday (with the site visit that Thursday) I was so ready to ask the mayor if he wanted to join us. I had planned what I was going to say, and he goes around to everyone to ask for updates, so I was totally ready.. And then my partner stole my thunder and told him before I could. But, whatever! Then he knew, so.

Thursday morning our meeting was set for 10:30, so a few minutes before 10 the mayor comes in and asks where Violeta is, because he has places to be. So we call her and she is on the way and ends up getting there around 10, so we just get right into it (or they do, it's a lot of fast Romanian). Luckily she got there before the mayor returned to our office, so I was able to tell her something that she could get in the conversation before he had to leave. 

We talked about all kinds of stuff - potential additional partners for me (my current one is not going to be one to actually work on stuff with), potential projects and things I can start trying to do, people I can meet, an NGO that we apparently have that I couldn't figure out anything about until then, and tons of other stuff. Violeta was an expert translator as usual, which was very helpful because I obviously don't know how to say everything I want to say. For example, they had decided I would go to the kindergarten once a week, which.. I mean, I like children and all, but there's a reason I don't currently have any and there's a reason I'm not a kindergarten teacher, and both of those reasons are that as cute as they are, they are also obnoxious, and I don't plan to do that anytime soon. Last time I was there I was with the youngest group (ages 2-3) and I was essentially just there to help babysit, which, as it turns out, is not in my job description. So Violeta got me out of that situation, thankfully.

After talking about all the important stuff and after my partner had stopped paying attention to us talking in English, she looked at me with that sympathetic head tilt people do and said, "So how are you feeling?" And I thought I had done pretty well with not being emotional the whole meeting, but that was all over and I had to cry about it. It's easy to be lonely all the time and be sort of okay with it, but then when someone asks you about it and you can tell they really care and want to know, well. I eventually recovered and my partner didn't even bat an eye (I would say they're as used to it as everyone else is, but really I've only cried like one time at work - they just know because my host mom tells EVERYONE about everything), and it was probably around time for Violeta to leave, so she got up to get her things and my partner thought that was the perfect time to make coffee. 

Violeta politely declined, but as I've learned, my partner does not take no for an answer when it comes to food and drinks, and she had both ready, so Violeta had to sit back down and they talked for a while while I attempted to understand (so I mostly just didn't, and ate cookies). It was past 1:00 by then, so Violeta drove me home (heck yeah, didn't have to walk through the mud for 20 minutes! She also set a GPS point at my house so if anything ever happens and I need Peace Corps to get to me, they can just plug that in and find me ASAP). We said goodbye, but I told her she has to come back and hang out, and she said she would, so I'm holding her to that. 

I was not really looking forward to this visit, because even though I knew it would be nice to see her, I was discouraged about not having done anything (I assumed we'd have nothing to talk about.. 3+ hours with her says I was clearly wrong) and no one wants to disappoint Violeta, and I hadn't been having the greatest week.. But it turned out to be all fine and even pleasant and encouraging, so hopefully tomorrow will be the start of a brand new, better week!

Say "Yes" to Everything.*

*actually, don't. Here's why.

"Say yes to everything" is a piece of advice we get a lot from volunteers who have been in country longer than we have. I definitely understand the sentiment, and I even agree with it, but there are some times when you should absolutely say no. (To be fair, volunteers have said this, too, but more often, it's "Say yes!" without a qualifier.)

I had two packages at the Peace Corps office, which is in Chișinău, which is a 2.5 hour rutiera ride, so I have only made it once so far after coming to site. But I do have a friend 30 minutes away from me, so she picked up my packages for me (thanks again!) and kept them at her house until I could get them.

I planned to go get them Friday evening after work, so I attempted to ask my host mother when the rutiera left, and eventually she told me it was at 4:10. I knew the return bus came at 9, so I figured I'd have a little time to hang with Kelsey in between all the walking to and from her house after getting off the bus. My host mother happened to be near the bus stop when I was leaving so she saw me off, and away we went. 

Now, I've only been to Ștefan Voda once before, so I'm not 100% sure of the stops, but I know we're getting close when the bus stops and a man gets on. He says, "Cat, Cat!" I don't think he could possibly be talking about me but then he adds, "Americancă!" He wants me to get off the bus. I feel like I recognize him so I think maybe he is related to my friend - that's the only logical explanation in my mind.. How else would anyone know I'm coming? So I "say yes" and get off the bus - which was a mistake. 

I nervously follow him, unsure of where we are, but thinking we must be headed to a car that will take me to my friend's house..? We turn the corner and we're suddenly at a swimming pool and I see the man's wife and my heart sinks because I realize who these people are, and they are not who I came to see. They are friends of my host mother, at the pool celebrating their daughter's birthday, and they want me to stay and hang out with them. 

Naturally, I panicked. Their English-speaking son who doesn't exactly like to talk to me is not with them, so not knowing where I am + language barrier makes me freak out even more. They just tell me to call my friend and tell her I'll see her later, but I don't want to do that because I had a plan! Be flexible, sure. But to be fair, this situation came out of nowhere and I have no idea what to do. 

I tell them I want to go see my friend (or I try to, amid tears) so they call their son and tell him to come over WITH HIS BICYCLE. I don't even think about the fact that if I were to ride a bicycle without a helmet, I would just be sent home to America.. And I call my friend, freaking out. Luckily she's excellent in times of my crisis, AKA she is always quite calm while I am crying, and she tells me her address and says to get them to call me a cab. 

I go back into the pool area and the woman takes me over to some girls who are tanning, because she says one of them speaks English (I think they both did, really). The girl translates for me, saying that she thought we knew each other but then realized we were having trouble communicating so she thought she might be able to help. Which she did; she called a cab for me and waited with me for him to come. She talked to me and was very kind. The cab took me straight to my friend's house and I got to spend the rest of the evening with her before catching the last bus back. 

The only explanation I can think of for this situation is that my host mother called and told them I was coming, so they waited for the bus to come so they could pull me off of it. (This is naturally quite frustrating to me, as the whole thing fills me with anxiety just thinking about it.)

So that's why I don't think you should say yes to everything! I didn't know where I was and 100% should not have gotten off the bus with a man who I only sort of recognized, but weird things happen so often here that I can't yet tell which of them are good and which of them are not so good! The trouble is, I've only been here for a little over 2 months, so I can't yet distinguish between things that make me nervous because they aren't the best idea and things that make me nervous just because they are something new. I've also got no way of knowing if more time will even help me to make that distinction. 

Hopefully I can learn to figure out the difference between things to say yes to (like going to the store with someone, meeting a new person in the village, going to another part of the building to help someone with something) and things not to (if they make me uncomfortable or if I really just need to be alone), and hopefully everyone else can figure this out too. New experiences and situations are a good thing (and can be the best thing!) but sometimes, occasionally.. it's better to stay on the bus. 

Moldova Moments

Sometimes I stop and think, wait, I'm in another country trying to learn and work and live and love.. How did I get here? 

Now of course I know how I got here, but occasionally I have to catch my breath and see if this life in Moldova I'm trying to make is truly my current reality. It always is. 

We all know that I've cried and struggled and so on, and I've asked myself why I'm here and why I haven't run back home to my puppy and family and friends, so today I'm going to tell you about one of the reasons. There is a phenomenon here I have witnessed, and I call it: Moldova Moments. 

A Moldova Moment could be anything, but it's usually exactly what you need when you need it, and it usually is something that makes me feel better about my life or makes me feel like I can continue with whatever I'm doing. It's like a sign, or something. I think you have to be looking for it to recognize it, because in my experience, it's usually not a big production (Moldova's not flashy like that). 

One of my first Moldova Moments was really early on in PST. I hadn't settled in yet, I was having a hard time with language, I was exhausted.. We got off the bus from Chişinău that evening and I had to face a 20-25 minute walk back to the house, which at the time, seemed like walking all the way to the end of the world, I was so tired. This was so early that we didn't all know the way home yet, so host sisters or brothers or mothers walked to the school to meet us. We got to the school and my host sister was waiting there with a car. That was the only day that ever happened, but it was the day I needed it to. That's a Moldova Moment. 

Not that I'm counting, but it's been 6 days since I've cried. Six days ago, though, I had a Moldova Moment (or what I considered to be one at the time, and have since realized it's a normal occurrence.. Though that doesn't mean that at the time, it wasn't a moment). It was not a good morning; I cried at breakfast and in my room after breakfast, and on the way to work.. And I tried to stop crying, but it was rather difficult. I share an office with 2 other women and even though I was a few minutes late, neither of them had arrived yet to open the door. That meant I had a few minutes to sit in the entry area by myself and pull myself together before I had to talk to people: the Moldova Moment of the day. 

So it could be anything, but when Moldova is like, hey girl, I want you to stay here; let me help you out a little.. that's when I think I'm in the right place.

[The pictures are from a walk I took this weekend - the Moldova Moment there was that it was thundering and lightning, threatening to rain the whole time, but I JUST beat the storm getting back.]

"Keep the color in your cheek and the fire in your eye." - William Hazlitt

I have been in Căplani for over a week now, and life has improved. Partly, I think, because I'm trying to improve it. 

I bring my computer to work now, and I can use the Internet, which is really helpful because when I don't understand something, I have translation capabilities.. Whereas before, I would just keep not understanding. I taught my host mother about Google Translate, which she still couldn't use without my help, and which still doesn't tell me everything she's saying, but sometimes she wants to tell a story so she will try to type it in. There are two similar words that she kept using that I'd never heard before, so I tried to look them up and they didn't exist. I asked her, What language are you speaking?! (They mix Russian and Ukrainian into their speech 24/7.) And she didn't know. She had no idea what language those words were in. So I asked someone else, and she said it's just "village language." Helpful. But now that I know what they mean, I've actually found myself using them, so I guess I won't be doing as clean Romanian as I thought. 

It's so hot here all the time but I wear pants to cover my bigger tattoo.. My host mom saw the smaller one so I thought, okay, it's time I choose comfort over culture (just at the house) and wear shorts. She still didn't notice it after two days, so I thought I would get the conversation over with and pointed it out. Then I realized that the reason she didn't have much to say about the first one is that she doesn't exactly understand tattoos. She asked how I did it and if it would wash off in the shower. I attempted to tell her that it would stay forever, but I don't know if she got the picture. (Don't know the word for "forever.") Moral of that story is, now I can wear shorts and be comfy! 

Having my computer at work also helps because I can keep some documents open that I've decided are a good idea - one for work and one for my well-being. I have one for what I do at work each day, which is occasionally just about a conversation I understood where I learned something.. They aren't letting me do much because of my language, but I'm trying to talk more and more so they will see I can do it. Then I have another called "Today's Accomplishments!" where I try to have at least three things a day that are accomplishments. They could be anything, like: translated a document, someone said "Good morning" to me first, or from yesterday "It's 8:16 a.m. and I haven't cried yet, so already that's better than yesterday!" My mentor told me I should do this from early on, but I haven't really been doing it.. Now I'm going to try to because I think it's helpful to focus on being positive! 

We have Wifi at the house now. We actually tried to have it many days before we actually did.. It turns out, the two of us are no good at setting something up without instructions. But I cried at breakfast and all the way to work the other day so I wrote a note to my host mother asking her to please call someone to help because I want to talk to my mother! And that plus my crying made her feel bad for me, so she came to my work that morning and told me it worked, and to come home at lunchtime because I was a mess, ha. Then I got to talk to my mommy and everything has been uphill from there! 

My host sister from the first family messaged me on Facebook asking what I was doing. I told her and asked her the same question, and she said, "Hanging with our family" AKA my family too AKA I miss them! I remember the Country Director saying that you often are closer with the short-term family because of how much you connected in such a crazy time, first arriving in the country and learning the language, and she is totally right. I'm excited for when I get to see them again in September. 

So I am staying optimistic, and things are getting better! I just finished reading Divergent, which I thought would probably be good but I didn't think it would be life-changing or anything.. Except that it was. I've been waiting to read it for some reason and I figured out the reason: it's because now was when I needed to read it. I could go into so much detail about why it's perfect and how it's somehow given me the confidence to keep going, but I won't bore everyone/spoil the story. 

Now you know I'm not sitting here crying 24/7! (Lower those numbers though; obviously I still cry. I've been informed that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, so that must be the answer.)

O zi bună!

I Don't Actually Want to Write This..

..but I figure maybe A. it will help, and B. probably at least a few people who are 5000+ miles away want to know about my life. 

Wednesday, I was officially sworn in as a Peace Corps Volunteer. Now I'm not a trainee anymore; I'm official and everything. I've got a fancy pin, a certificate, I said the oath that the President says.. Totally cool. It was an exciting and emotional day, although I made it through all the speeches and oaths and stuff without actually crying. Our Country Director actually asked where in the crowd I was before she started, because she apparently gets emotional during big ceremonies like that and knows about my crying history. "Where's Cat? I always cry at stuff like this!" She found me and surprisingly enough, we both made it through without tears. 

That's not to say we didn't almost! She read an excerpt from Oh, The Places You'll Go! and I was totally fine for all of that until she got to, 

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

I almost lost it. But I didn't. Except then later, I did, because it all came true. 

My host mother and the mayor came to pick me up. She had to go to the host family conference while I had some free time to say goodbye to friends (hard) and try to mentally prepare myself for the trip back to my village without them (harder). We joined the conference at the end to go over some stuff and sign some papers, and we pretty much needed a translator for everything. I knew what she was saying, but I just couldn't talk much in Romanian that day (or the next day..). 

(Actually, for a side note, for not speaking much Romanian that day, I was complimented on my Romanian twice by two different Moldovans. The baristas at the coffee place we frequent definitely know we are American, but I always try to talk to them in Romanian anyway, even when they just start out with English. The girl who took my order told me I had "very good Romanian." Then later, a guy asked if he could help with my luggage. I of course tried to say no; we all know how independent I like to try to be.. But it didn't work and I really couldn't drag two huge suitcases anyway, so I let him. He talked to me in English too, but I managed to throw in a word or two and he was so impressed that he asked me to say more things and told me my pronunciation was great and I sounded Moldovan/Romanian/whatever. Admittedly, he was young and could have just been flirting, but I will take the compliment.) 

Anyway, the 2.5 hour trip to Caplani somehow turned into 5+ hours, AND we had five people in a tiny car with one of my suitcases in the backseat with us.. Not as pleasant as it sounds - or maybe exactly as pleasant. My host mother shouted in my ear the whole time and I just wanted to get out of there, but obviously I couldn't. 

We eventually made it back, had a snack, and I unpacked. They told me I didn't have to go to work the next day, which I was initially grateful for but then wished I had had to go, because I didn't know what to do. I slept in, finished a book.. My host mother tried to feed me about a hundred times. I cried basically all day and spoke to no friends or anyone. I didn't say much in either language, not that my host mother knows English. But she wants to learn it so she continues to ask me what words are.. I don't know how she thinks she will learn English this way. She kept telling me to eat, over and over, and while she was telling me to eat as I was putting the fork into my mouth while crying, I just lost it and shouted at her about how I couldn't eat any faster than I was already doing and to stop telling me to eat.. Sort of stormed out to get my box of tissues and she didn't seem that fazed, just confused, because all the shouting had been in English. 

She brought this kid over, a 17 year old boy who clearly doesn't want to hang out with me, because he speaks some English. But he's kind of unpleasant and actually the opposite of helpful. He's been over twice and I was even more irritated with him the second time. 

I went to work on Friday, though not for very long, and I didn't do anything. They had Internet for a while, so I got to check my email and use Google Translate. I met a few people and then my host mother came to get me for lunch, which we had with the children at the kindergarten. Then she told me I didn't have to go back to work until Monday and asked if I wanted to stay there or go home by myself, so I went home. I got to use the Internet there, cry some more, take a nap, and relax a little bit, which was nice and made me feel a little better.

Then she eventually came home and fed me, and I was able to articulate some things finally. I asked when there was water and when there wasn't (turns out you have to plug it in) and how to take a shower (something else you have to plug in and wait an hour for the water to get hot). I told her I don't want to eat a lot and that if I didn't want something, I wasn't going to eat it. And we were able to actually have a conversation, which I think shocked her, but now she knows I'm not 4 years old and that I actually understand her most of the time when she talks to me. I know she's just concerned because she is the one taking care of me and wants to make sure I'm okay, but it's going to take some getting used to. If someone is going to be bugging me every five minutes, I understand the motivation when she's 4 (oh yeah, I really miss Ionela) but not when she's 40. But I'm trying. 

I figured out that we have one working streetlight here and it is right outside my house. They fixed it, literally just for me, so that I have light in front of my house. I know they all want me to be here and I want to be here too, but it's hard to figure out why I want to be here when everything seems so hard.

It's very difficult at the moment. I'm crying a lot more than usual. Some people might wonder how that's possible, but it is. 

I'm going to try to get to the raion center by myself tomorrow to meet a friend, so I think that will be a good thing. My host mother is taking me there on Monday also to talk to someone about getting wifi, which will help a lot too, because I feel very isolated at the moment (the Internet I'm using to post this is only in her bedroom) and not able to talk to my mother and Becky, which is most difficult. 

Hopefully it is just hard now and won't be forever. That is to say, I'm not quitting yet. Because Dr. Seuss says I'll move mountains, and I can't move mountains without trying. 

Note I got from one of my PST BFFs

We Get Sick. (Sort of.)

Our site team conference is over (obviously) but it didn't finish without a trip to the hospital and some official document signing. 

We got there and did a warm-up activity that no one understood.. It's a little difficult to play games when you have people speaking 3 different languages, shockingly enough! The mayor wasn't there, so I figured he must have some more important mayor business to attend to and I worked with the people we are near/drove to the conference the day before. The partner got a phone call and said, oh it's the mayor! She spoke to him and asked if I needed him to come (um, kind of! It's only the partner conference and my partner isn't there, so..) but then said some more stuff, hung up, and told me, so he's feeling sick and thinks he should go to the hospital, so I told him to do that. 

UMMMM WHAT.

Apparently he had had some sort of heart problem/surgery/attack in the past (recent past? I don't know) and felt bad so he thought he should get it checked out. 

We had a presentation that was much more beneficial to the partners and then he showed up during the coffee break! I don't know what happened exactly because he only said it in Romanian, but I think it had something to do with the heat. He insisted he was fine, and made it in time to work on a 3-month plan and sign our collaboration agreement. He grabbed his folio thing after signing and I thought, okay he's leaving again, that's fine (the signing was the last item of business) - but he wasn't leaving. He was getting out his official mayor's stamp so he could stamp our document! UM, how cute. He thought it was pretty clever of him, I think. 

Afterwards the partners left and some of us went to get iced coffee (arguably the best part of Chisinau.. I've started sneaking water bottles into the freezer so I can have cold water. They still tell me it's going to make me sick but I tell them I don't care.) and then we ventured to the Peace Corps office to get some people's packages and to hang out. 

Speaking of getting sick, then the next day I thought I was. Actually I was pretty convinced that I was having a heart attack, so that was slightly stressful. Yes, I Googled heart attack symptoms for women, and I thought I had at least 3 or 4 of them, so I called the doctor and she just told me to take ibuprofen and Benadryl and call her the next day. Didn't say what it might be, didn't give me any reassurance that I was not dying (except for maybe the fact that she didn't rush an ambulance to me either). The next day it was the same, so I called her back halfway through language and she told me to keep doing that and said that she didn't think it was anything to worry about. My fellow PCTs told me it was probably some sort of stress reaction/anxiety attack. 

After language 5 of the girls went to Naomi's house to play Phase 10, gossip about discuss all the other PCTs, eat peanut butter and honey, and just hang out! It was the greatest afternoon/evening, and then we all got caught in a rainstorm that lasted all night and was wonderful. 

The next morning I woke up able to breathe again, so I can confirm that I'm not dying and I'm not having a heart attack. So don't worry! It probably really was stress/anxiety, because guess what - this isn't my normal life. Or anyone's. It's kind of hard, kind of often. I'm sure it will get easier, but it is a little stressful at the moment, so. I'll work on destressing, not distressing (Did I just invent one of those words? Probably). 

Site Visit nr. 2

When I typed up my last post, I had been at site for about a full day and I hadn't cried yet, so obviously something had to change. 

It kind of felt like it did when we first got to Moldova and I thought, I'm in over my head, I don't understand anything anyone's saying, I can't do this.. Only I thought I was over that, kind of..? But it turns out I wasn't. 

My partner gave me a tour during lunch hour (lunch 2 hours? Not sure about that) and it lasted all of five minutes because everything is apparently in the center of the village and the village is tiny. Everything is under repair or needs repairs or is just sad, so the tour was kind of depressing. 

There is no water in the mayor's office so we went to a communal outhouse building to go, so THAT was fun. When we toured, we stopped in every little tiny shop (all seem the same, so why there are like 4 of them, I have no clue) and she bought random food items - sausage, bread, a huge bag of tomatoes I wasn't going to eat.. And then we went back to the office and had lunch. She said everyone goes home for lunch but she hates the heat so she doesn't want to walk the 10 minutes back to her house for that and that I probably wouldn't either. But I will say that if it means I have running water to at least wash the fruit with, I will absolutely walk the 15-20 minutes back. We had tea and then later I found out that when she "washes" the tea cups she rinses them (soap? what's that? never heard of it!) in disgusting yellow well water, so I will be bringing my own cup for tea from now on because I'm not planning to get sick and/or die. 

I also didn't understand anything all day, except for when we had tea and she talked slowly and at a normal volume. After lunch I didn't even do anything except sit there and read my Kindle, so I could have been that useless anywhere. 

So with a sad tour and a full day of not understanding anything/doing anything, I was over it and I wanted to go home. Instead I went to the host house in the village and after eating, there was nothing to do there either so I went to "rest" and just read on my bed-couch until 7:30ish which I thought could be a bedtime, kind of. I missed Ionela coming into my room and messing with my stuff, even. 

Then at like 10:30-11, host mother came in and started talking to me, which was confusing A. Because I had just been asleep and B. Because it was in Romanian and I DON'T SPEAK THAT, but I finally figured out that she wanted me to talk to her son on Skype, which I had to do then. He was very nice and spoke great English (I think he's been living in Texas for 6 years now?) and it was probably worth it to get up to talk to him because of what happened the next morning. 

The mayor was picking me up at 7. About 6:48 (just guessing here, but imagine it's close to 7) she says she made coffee so I go have some, and she wants me to eat some breakfast cookie thing that I don't want so I say no. She asks, don't you like it? I say, I like it, but I don't want. She wants to know why and I get upset and leave so I can cry because I can't explain anything to this woman, so naturally she follows me and gets very upset and starts to cry herself, which makes me feel awful, because I literally have no words to tell her anything like, it's not your fault, I just cry a lot, etc. So she assumes I hate it here and I won't come back because of something she did (just assuming this myself, but that's what it seems like) and she runs to her room and gets out this notebook and her cell phone and calls her son. It's way closer to 7 so I'm thinking the mayor will be here any second and we're both crying and she can't get the phone to work.. I ask for her son's email so I can write to him later and ask him to explain to his mother what's going on.. 

She insists on Skyping him (and I'm confused by this since I have no idea what time it is in Texas, but apparently it was a reasonable time as he had just gotten off work), so I'm crying on the webcam to this stranger (well, everyone's a stranger, really) and he's just so kind about it. He says he knows exactly how I feel because he didn't speak any English when he came to America. He tells me it will get better and I will make friends, and until then I will go to Chisinau or the raion center and meet my friends there ("You're young, you'll go dancing" - thanks, you're maybe 3 years older than I am). 

He said, "It's easy to go from something bad to something good, but it's hard to go from good to bad." He thanked me for coming to his village and for the work I would do there, and thanked me for staying with his mom, and told me to smile because I have a beautiful smile, and that if I ever need anything at the house or I don't like something, just tell him or his mom and they will fix it (they talk every single day). He said they'd get Internet for my room so I could talk to my family (I think she argued about this with him but eventually I will find a way to get Internet in this village) and was basically just a great human being and the start to the day improving. 

The mayor arrived (and I'm pretty sure host mom was still crying and she told him about how I was crying) and we left. He told me (I think) that his daughter cries too and someone translated for me later that she is in another country also and cried a lot at first but now she doesn't even miss Moldova. We stopped a bunch before fully leaving the village: first to go to his office and sign something or other, then to talk to some men on the road.. When he reentered the car after this, he was giggling and gave me a handful of plums, which I set on my lap. A kilometer or 2 later, we saw a van and a car on the side of the road and stopped again. Men were loading boxes from one vehicle to the other, and I thought he was stopping to help or something, but he came back with an armful of peaches to set on my lap, giggling again! I only understand him about 20% of the time (that might be generous, I don't know) but he is so hilarious! He jokes about everything and is just the most adorable man. 

We picked up my friend and her partner on the way and eventually got to Chisinau for our partner conference. During the first session, he was like, so I have to leave. Is that cool, Katya? UMMM NO IT'S NOT, but whatever! He said he'd definitely be back for the important part tomorrow, so we introduced ourselves and he jetted off with some document. But after everyone introduced themselves (a lot of translating had to happen so it took awhile) and we had a coffee break, he was back! We got to do partner activities together (my partner couldn't come, so he did, which was apparently a big deal because if a MAYOR shows up that means he's really motivated about working with a PCV and getting stuff done) and with the help of translators, may have even communicated a little! 

Occasionally they would ask partners to share stuff, so whenever he raised his hand I was like, oh no, what's he going to say now.. He started talking and half the room burst into laughter - then I found out he was saying that they wouldn't let me eat or sleep until I learned Romanian - We will help her! Hilarious. Good one, mayor. 

So the site visit itself was not the greatest, but I am thinking that it won't be as terrible as I was thinking 24 hours ago, because the mayor is awesome and he has a lot of things he wants to do that hopefully I can help with.. The site team conference continues tomorrow so he'll probably get to amuse everyone some more, and that will be great. 

PLUS he said I can ride a horse cart, so that's going to be fantastic. Can't quit until I do that, so I guess I'll have to stick it out a little bit longer. 

Site Announcements

I know that I was pretty clear on the site announcement being on July 2, and that it is now July 5, so if you were just sitting here waiting for my update, sorry for the wait. It's like my life is busy or something; weird. I also wasn't quite ready to share everything right away.

On the day of site announcement, we had a full day of other sessions and things prior to the big reveal, which gave me all day to get more nervous about it.

We all went outside to a parking lot that had a huge chalk drawing of Moldova with 71 numbers on it to show the places we would be living/working. Current volunteers stood on it where they live and the parking lot was just full of people. The Country Director read out our names one by one (randomly, I assume) from a kind of jar. Each slip with your name and number was color-coded - blue for north, yellow for central, and red for south. We got ribbons to tie on our wrists in these colors, too. 

I went to stand by my friend, and then her name was called. I moved to stand by another friend, and her name was called.. So I figured if I did it again it would happen again and I just waited by myself. My name was called and they said the name of a town that I had obviously never heard of, and my Program Director took me to my spot on the map. She handed me an envelope with information about my work, the names of my host parents, and a welcome letter from my future partner - of course, it is all in Romanian. So I have yet to figure it all out. 

I continued to be nervous and didn't actually even open my envelope because I just wanted to see where everyone was going, and when my current closest friends were nowhere near me, I began to get relatively upset. The current volunteers near me on the map didn't seem like they really wanted to talk and I didn't know any of the PCTs that were coming over to stand near me, which didn't help either.. 

Two girls that I know and like eventually were placed near me, but then everyone was placed and people started walking around.. My closest friend came up to me and said, we're about 4 hours+ from each other, and obviously I just started crying. Which I did for the next decade, in front of everyone, naturally. Again, the only one crying (I mean I'm 99% sure on that). It's very hard to talk to people when you're crying, did you know this? 

We were having a mixer afterward, which I did not want to go to, but I went anyway and everyone tried to make me feel better. It was difficult to explain why I was upset because I wasn't even sure what my job was or anything; I think I was mostly overwhelmed at everything and at being so far from my friends. 

But luckily those friends are pretty great, and multiple people talked to me about it, mostly while I cried but I did get to have at least one conversation where I was cheered up without tears (the perks of being friends with guys - pretty sure they aren't fond of crying) and by the end of the night I could talk to people WITHOUT crying. My mentor bought me a beer and I ended up having a little bit of fun, even. 

After I got home, I looked at my Romanian job description and from what I can gather, it seems like this will be a good fit. I'm going to be in Căplani, a village of 3500 in the southeast. It's in a raion (like a county, I think?) called Ștefan Vodă and I could probably throw a stone to Ukraine and watch it hit the ground. Very close to Odessa and such, but we aren't allowed to go there. Though maybe that won't be the case forever. 

I'll work in a Primariă, which is a Mayor's office. I have a partner that will work with me and they have a list of projects I might work on, but I haven't quite translated all of that yet. So I'll have more information on that later, hopefully. Tomorrow I have to catch a bus to my new village. It's a 2 hour trip from the capital that I will make alone. I'll be there until Tuesday and on Tuesday my partner will come back with me for a Site Team Conference with everyone. I'll stay with my future host family and probably get a tour of the Primariă and possibly the village. I really don't know what will go on but I'm guessing a lot of it will be hard to understand, as it's less likely in villages to have English speakers. 

Speaking of Romanian, we had a language test yesterday and got our feedback today. The test was oral and involved four situations (buying food at the market, giving directions in town, talking about family, interviewing a Mayor) that we cycled through. One language instructor spoke with me and another wrote down everything I said. Today I was told that I am one of the best Romanian speakers in our group and that my pronunciation is almost Moldovan, so that's encouraging. It's still difficult to speak with people and to understand them, but my language instructor called my partner in Căplani and informed her that I have only been studying for 4 weeks so she will need to slow down a bit and be patient (I even understood most of her side of the conversation). So I think they know that this weekend will be somewhat of a struggle, communication-wise. 

Wish me luck on my site visit - hope everything goes well.